@Piper Wilson:
“One” is definitely grammatically correct, and only the ignorant think it’s snotty, unless it’s deliberately said to sound snotty. Unlike the “Royal ‘We’” – which has recently seen an upsurge thanks to management coaches telling folks to use it to encourage team formation, when really how it usually is applied is as a boss telling an underling to do something without specifically telling them to do something.

@Erin:
One bit of psychobabble BS that does seem to be true is this: make positive statements out of things you really want to do. The subconscious mind ignores negations, so if you say “Stop getting upset by crap you can’t control” your subconscious hears “getting upset about crap you can control” – entirely the wrong message. A positive form of that statement (an affirmation) might be “Accept control of things you can control, let go of things outside of your control, and learn how to tell the difference.” Of course, that’s just a PC rewording of the “Serenity Prayer.” ;o)

There was a time when people were embarrassed by unruly children and impolite behavior. Now the attitude is “me first, screw everyone else”. By permitting and accepting this, we encourage it.

I think it’s reasonable to call someone out on ill behavior and still let it go personally, not carry it with you. Fire and forget.

I’ve been living in Boston for over two decades now, but I refuse to give up the y’all of my youth. The plural you is just too important a language tool to give up. I also believe in using the singular “their.” (i.e., Everyone should read their book.) Good enough for Jane Austen, good enough for Shakespeare, good enough for me.

See David Brin’s An Open Letter to Researchers of Addiction, Brain Chemistry, and Social Psychology (2005)

[snip]

The Most Common (but Unstudied) Form of Self-Addiction

So far, we are on ground that is supported by copious (if peripheral) research. If nothing else, at least there should be an effort to step back and notice the forest, for the trees, generalizing a view of this whole field as we’ve described so far. A general paradigm of self-reinforcement.

Only now, taking this into especially important new territory, please consider something more specific. A phenomenon that both illustrates the general point and demands attention on its own account.

I want to zoom down to a particular emotional and psychological pathology. The phenomenon known as self-righteous indignation.

We all know self-righteous people. (And, if we are honest, many of us will admit having wallowed in this state ourselves, either occasionally or in frequent rhythm.) It is a familiar and rather normal human condition, supported — even promulgated — by messages in mass media.

While there are many drawbacks, self-righteousness can also be heady, seductive, and even… well… addictive. Any truly honest person will admit that the state feels good. The pleasure of knowing, with subjective certainty, that you are right and your opponents are deeply, despicably wrong.

Sanctimony, or a sense of righteous outrage, can feel so intense and delicious that many people actively seek to return to it, again and again. Moreover, as Westin et.al. have found, this trait crosses all boundaries of ideology.

Indeed, one could look at our present-day political landscape and argue that a relentless addiction to indignation may be one of the chief drivers of obstinate dogmatism and an inability to negotiate pragmatic solutions to a myriad modern problems. It may be the ultimate propellant behind the current “culture war.”

If there is any underlying truth to such an assertion, then acquiring a deeper understanding of this one issue may help our civilization deal with countless others.

Let’s take a silly example. Say your husband likes a certain brand of bread. He never tells you so you buy whatever you see. One day when he’s having a particularly bad day he gets all cranky about the bread you bought. He rants about how you *should* know what bread he likes because you *should* have seen what he chooses when he’s a the store. Unfortunately he’s assuming you know because he hasn’t communicated it. If he’d just said the first time you’d bought a different bread: “honey, I prefer this one” then boom! no uncommunicated expectations and no bread explosion months later.

So, it’s not just a matter of giving people slack, but communicating your desires and preferences so that no one has to be a mind-reader.

Here’s also something that might help put things in perspective:

http://www.scribd.com/doc/4959.....-Come-Home

The meditator wishes wellness, ease and peace for: one’s self, then a loved one, then one known in passing and finally one with whom he or she has difficulty. Practiced over time, the heart can learn to unclench and the mind to relax from the need to control the outcome/ other’s behavior.

As many have said here, inner peace is the best of clutter free living! So, whatever your method, if you have one that helps – practice can make proficient.

When I read the title today, it’s like wow I need to hear that. Along the same lines also is to give people the benefit of a doubt instead of worst case scenario. By doing that as well as cutting people slack, I feel so much better and my blood pressure stays normal!

Wish more people could be like all of you who left your comments, perhaps you could “transmit” your positive vibes to people who need it!

Have a great weekend everyone!

Now, as the parent phone calls arrive, my mantra is “Be the Barak”!

Cheers!

There is a way to tell the difference between “you” specifically and “you” in general. Substitute the word “one” for “you” in the general sense. The only problem is that sometimes one sounds snotty.

Of course, I think that our society would be vastly improved if civil discourse was respected, courtesy was not seen as “old-fashioned,” and patience was once again considered a virtue.

I wish there were separate words for you (general) and you (specific). I also wish there were two different words for hot (spicy) and hot (temperature in measurable degrees).

I agree that the lowest common denominator is a crappy standard. When I said to cut people slack, I didn’t mean that you shouldn’t have standards. I meant it more along the lines of there are real injustices worthy of our frustration and anger, and some guy cutting you off in line at the grocery store isn’t an injustice. Don’t make assumptions, and, more importantly, don’t act on the assumptions you make.

In more straightforward language: Stop getting upset about crap you can’t control.