Let go of anger and cut people slack
News flash: Nobody is perfect.
Continually focusing on others’ imperfections can easily clutter up our lives and get in the way of a remarkable life. As long as someone’s human rights aren’t being violated or no one’s life is in danger, it usually isn’t worth the energy to get angry and upset over an aggravating behavior.
I read an incredible post on Gretchen Rubin’s website The Happiness Project back in 2006 titled “Remember to cut people slack” that spoke to the heart of this issue:
The “fundamental attribution error” is a psychological phenomenon in which we tend to view other people’s actions as reflections of their characters, and to overlook the power of the situation to influence their actions: I assume that the guy in the drugstore is a jerk who is trying to cut in line, when in fact, he’s a considerate guy who’s rushing to get home with the medicine for his sick, miserable girlfriend.
With ourselves, however, we acknowledge the pressures of the situation. So when other people’s cell phones ring during a movie, it’s because they’re inconsiderate boors. If my cell phone rings during a movie, it’s because I’m a conscientious mother who needs to be able to get a call from a babysitter.
In our personal quests to be better people, we accept that there will be days when we falter. We know that there will be dim moments when we fail to shine. And, we can save time and energy if we acknowledge that others will experience similar bumps along the way.
How can we let go of the anger and focus on more positive behaviors? Try out the following:
- Ask questions of those around you so that you can get a better idea of what is preventing them from doing their best — don’t make the assumption that the person is incompetent.
- Take a few moments to think over a situation before you respond (this is something I definitely need to do more often).
- Cut yourself some slack when you don’t live up to your own expectations.
- Cut other people slack when they don’t live up to your expectations.
- Lend a helping hand instead of making a critical remark.
- Remember that there is a lot to be learned from our inevitable mistakes.
How do you work to cut other people slack in your life?
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Posted by Erin on Jan 22, 2009 |
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36 comments posted
Posted by ryan.t - 01/22/2009
My saying: You can’t help some people.
I just don’t worry about getting mad at people. Doesn’t help anything.
Posted by Amanda - 01/22/2009
It’s mental clutter. I will try to implement this better on the road, as I generally drive like a bat out of bell and am grouchy with the “slow idiots in my way”. I do try and think that every person who speeds by me is having a baby or going to someone having a baby. I’ll try to consider the “slow drivers” as people just learning to drive, and wanting to be cautious.
I do like hearing about the clutter problems of readers with families, annd hope that I will be able to use their advice and learn from their problems in the future soemtime. Please keep sharing.
Posted by David - 01/22/2009
Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Posted by whyioughtta - 01/22/2009
Haha…I like David’s comment. Although, in the case of drivers around here, it’s not so much stupidity as willful oblivion. (We are in day 42 of a public transit strike. In minus-forty Celsius weather. With about five feet of snow on the ground.)
I find that I get better at cutting others slack as I get older and go through more ‘life experiences.’ One recent biggie for me has been having a child. That has helped me cut a lot of slack from any lingering judgments on my mom or on other parents out there. It’s the whole ‘walk a mile in someone’s shoes’ thing.
I find it helps to remind myself who I am (or want to be) as I feel anger welling up over the small stuff. Do I really want to be the sniffy person who shoots dirty looks at the line-jumper? With my daughter looking on? I don’t think so.
I must say that your new President seems an exceptional role model for how to maintain grace under pressure. “Be the Barak.”
Posted by SewingGirl - 01/22/2009
I would add, let go of snark too. Not funny, not interesting, and so last year.
Posted by Susan - 01/22/2009
Slow drivers are appreciating aspects of the scenery which the fast drivers never see. They know which fields have cabbages growing in them and which have strawberries. They spot the tools which have dropped off of other folks vehicles – and they pick them up! They wonder why the peanut vendor isn’t in his usual place. So much to see and slow drivers not only see what is out there to see, they save a lot of money on gasoline.
Posted by Richard Nixon - 01/22/2009
Always remember others may hate you but those who hate you don’t win unless you hate them. And then you destroy yourself.
Posted by Sarah - 01/22/2009
I’m torn between “I really needed to hear this today” and “man, this was a real slap in the face today,” so I’ll just say I’m printing and posting it.
Posted by biscuitx - 01/22/2009
I am trying to feed the good wolf, call upon my better angels, and all of that inspiration from the past 2 days. Having said that, now I must get back to work.
oos, you asked for an example,
I also think, maybe this person that is annoying me has a sick family member at home or just came from the doctor and is not thinking. It could be a million things that cloud someone’s judgement.
Posted by biscuitx - 01/22/2009
oops not oos.
Posted by Joy (from Just Plain Joy) - 01/22/2009
I’ve noticed in these economic times, people are a little…tense. I try to remember that someone else could be having a rough time and just taking it out on me.
Posted by Sky - 01/22/2009
We all act out of our insecurities. You never know what burden someone is carrying so we should all remember….the most unlovable need the most love.
Posted by Erika - 01/22/2009
I do try and think that every person who speeds by me is having a baby or going to someone having a baby. I’ll try to consider the “slow drivers” as people just learning to drive, and wanting to be cautious.
Also keep in mind that those people speeding past you likely consider you to be one of those “slow idiots”. Meanwhile, those slower drivers resent you for being reckless.
Posted by Sue - 01/22/2009
Another great book on the topic is: Forgive for Good, by Fred Luskin of Stanford Univ. Luskin not only talks about the health benefits of forgiveness but also gives practical steps to forgive and even how to let go of resentment/anger in the moment.
Posted by Jane - 01/22/2009
The mantra that has helped me the most is to keep repeating, “This is not about me.” My natural tendency is to assume the jerk was a jerk TO ME. This is not about me. The jerk may simply be distracted, stupid, stressed, or not raised right, but it is not about me. Most likely, they are totally unaware that I exist. My anger toward them is only hurting me, they have no idea that I am angry at them so I am not hurting them at all.
Posted by Keter - 01/22/2009
@SewingGirl – Read your own post. Repeatedly. Until you figure out why.
There’s a difference between cutting someone else slack, which they may or may not deserve, and not letting them get to you. I used to cut everybody slack until I realized no one was cutting me any. So now I don’t cut slack…look around, there’s enough slack being cut already and it has turned into a degenerative cycle of the lowest common denominator getting continuously lower. Enough.
I expect better, but if I don’t get it, I don’t let it bother me, I just get away from it. If I always encounter rudeness somewhere, I go somewhere else. If the person in line next to me is being a jerk or has an out of control child, I ask them nicely to stop or I change lines. If too many of my coworkers start gossiping or backstabbing, I find a way to get some distance.
You can’t change others’ behavior or attitudes, but you can change your own. I agree with whyioughtta that Obama and his family could set a standard for this country that in the long run will be very useful in pulling us out of the downward spiral of uncivil and irresponsible behaviors. I hope he maximizes the opportunities to set exactly that example.
Posted by Erin Doland - 01/22/2009
@Keter –
I agree that the lowest common denominator is a crappy standard. When I said to cut people slack, I didn’t mean that you shouldn’t have standards. I meant it more along the lines of there are real injustices worthy of our frustration and anger, and some guy cutting you off in line at the grocery store isn’t an injustice. Don’t make assumptions, and, more importantly, don’t act on the assumptions you make.
In more straightforward language: Stop getting upset about crap you can’t control.
Posted by Erin Doland - 01/22/2009
And when I said “you” in my previous comment, I meant the general you, not you specifically.
I wish there were separate words for you (general) and you (specific). I also wish there were two different words for hot (spicy) and hot (temperature in measurable degrees).
Posted by Cynthia Friedlob, The Thoughtful Consumer - 01/22/2009
A bit of useful advice from the late Richard Carlson’s book, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff, is: “Presume innocence.” There may be a good reason for someone’s seemingly rude or thoughtless behavior and we’re simply not aware of it.
Of course, I think that our society would be vastly improved if civil discourse was respected, courtesy was not seen as “old-fashioned,” and patience was once again considered a virtue.
Posted by Piper Wilson - 01/22/2009
@ Erin
There is a way to tell the difference between “you” specifically and “you” in general. Substitute the word “one” for “you” in the general sense. The only problem is that sometimes one sounds snotty.
Posted by Dorothy - 01/22/2009
Jane is spot-on. So many of us (pointing right at myself) assume annoyances are directed at us. In fact, most people we encounter are so focused on their own concerns, they’re oblivious to us and the effects their actions have on us. It’s so not about me!
Cheers!
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Posted by Another Deb - 01/22/2009
Ahh, great post to read after another day of 8th grade drama. This day I chose to stick by my standards and not cut slack. However, I asked the students involved to go into problem-solving mode so that they would have some tools in the future for a similar situation.
Now, as the parent phone calls arrive, my mantra is “Be the Barak”!
Posted by catmom - 01/23/2009
Jane, I am SO with you on your mantra on how it’s not about us. I have to keep reminding myself about that as well. Maybe it’s human nature to take it personally when someone doesn’t seem to be friendly or they give us a not so friendly look. If the person is someone we don’t know, why get angry about it? Besides it’s unlikely we’ll see that person again anyway!
When I read the title today, it’s like wow I need to hear that. Along the same lines also is to give people the benefit of a doubt instead of worst case scenario. By doing that as well as cutting people slack, I feel so much better and my blood pressure stays normal!
Wish more people could be like all of you who left your comments, perhaps you could “transmit” your positive vibes to people who need it!
Have a great weekend everyone!
Posted by julia1060 - 01/23/2009
The tradition of encouraging practice in letting go re: other’s behaviors is found in lots of spiritual traditions. Buddhist Metta (loving-kindness) Meditation is one of my favorites.
The meditator wishes wellness, ease and peace for: one’s self, then a loved one, then one known in passing and finally one with whom he or she has difficulty. Practiced over time, the heart can learn to unclench and the mind to relax from the need to control the outcome/ other’s behavior.
As many have said here, inner peace is the best of clutter free living! So, whatever your method, if you have one that helps – practice can make proficient.
Posted by julia1060 - 01/23/2009
a PS to Deb – We need more problem solvers in the world; I’ll be you’re a great teacher. Keep the faith
Posted by Amanda - 01/23/2009
I read in Newsweek that Prez Obama’s nickname during the campaign was No Drama Obama. So I’ve been thinking about that when I find myself spinning up into righteous indignation over something that’s just not that important.
Posted by RoaringSilence - 01/23/2009
I noticed that I’ve gotten really good at always assuming people mean well.. mostly when driving.
Here’s also something that might help put things in perspective:
http://www.scribd.com/doc/4959.....-Come-Home
Posted by Alex Fayle | Someday Syndrome - 01/23/2009
For me the word that stuck out in this article is: “expectations” – that word can cause so many problems. When we expect things from others we often don’t communicate what we want and then we get angry.
Let’s take a silly example. Say your husband likes a certain brand of bread. He never tells you so you buy whatever you see. One day when he’s having a particularly bad day he gets all cranky about the bread you bought. He rants about how you *should* know what bread he likes because you *should* have seen what he chooses when he’s a the store. Unfortunately he’s assuming you know because he hasn’t communicated it. If he’d just said the first time you’d bought a different bread: “honey, I prefer this one” then boom! no uncommunicated expectations and no bread explosion months later.
So, it’s not just a matter of giving people slack, but communicating your desires and preferences so that no one has to be a mind-reader.
Posted by anonymous - 01/23/2009
“So I’ve been thinking about that when I find myself spinning up into righteous indignation”
See David Brin’s An Open Letter to Researchers of Addiction, Brain Chemistry, and Social Psychology (2005)
[snip]
The Most Common (but Unstudied) Form of Self-Addiction
So far, we are on ground that is supported by copious (if peripheral) research. If nothing else, at least there should be an effort to step back and notice the forest, for the trees, generalizing a view of this whole field as we’ve described so far. A general paradigm of self-reinforcement.
Only now, taking this into especially important new territory, please consider something more specific. A phenomenon that both illustrates the general point and demands attention on its own account.
I want to zoom down to a particular emotional and psychological pathology. The phenomenon known as self-righteous indignation.
We all know self-righteous people. (And, if we are honest, many of us will admit having wallowed in this state ourselves, either occasionally or in frequent rhythm.) It is a familiar and rather normal human condition, supported — even promulgated — by messages in mass media.
While there are many drawbacks, self-righteousness can also be heady, seductive, and even… well… addictive. Any truly honest person will admit that the state feels good. The pleasure of knowing, with subjective certainty, that you are right and your opponents are deeply, despicably wrong.
Sanctimony, or a sense of righteous outrage, can feel so intense and delicious that many people actively seek to return to it, again and again. Moreover, as Westin et.al. have found, this trait crosses all boundaries of ideology.
Indeed, one could look at our present-day political landscape and argue that a relentless addiction to indignation may be one of the chief drivers of obstinate dogmatism and an inability to negotiate pragmatic solutions to a myriad modern problems. It may be the ultimate propellant behind the current “culture war.”
If there is any underlying truth to such an assertion, then acquiring a deeper understanding of this one issue may help our civilization deal with countless others.
Posted by Mo - 01/23/2009
Erin-
I’ve been living in Boston for over two decades now, but I refuse to give up the y’all of my youth. The plural you is just too important a language tool to give up. I also believe in using the singular “their.” (i.e., Everyone should read their book.) Good enough for Jane Austen, good enough for Shakespeare, good enough for me.
Posted by Eric - 01/23/2009
This flip side of the sword is that permissiveness is exactly what breeds boorish, inconsiderate, and selfish behavior. If there are no consequences, then what’s the incentive to improve your manners and behavior?
There was a time when people were embarrassed by unruly children and impolite behavior. Now the attitude is “me first, screw everyone else”. By permitting and accepting this, we encourage it.
I think it’s reasonable to call someone out on ill behavior and still let it go personally, not carry it with you. Fire and forget.
Posted by Character « FourCalicos - 01/23/2009
[...] Let go of anger and cut people slack [Unclutterer blog] [...]
Posted by Keter - 01/23/2009
(Waving at Mo from Texas):
You took the “y’all” right out of my mouth. ;o)
@Piper Wilson:
“One” is definitely grammatically correct, and only the ignorant think it’s snotty, unless it’s deliberately said to sound snotty. Unlike the “Royal ‘We’” – which has recently seen an upsurge thanks to management coaches telling folks to use it to encourage team formation, when really how it usually is applied is as a boss telling an underling to do something without specifically telling them to do something.
@Erin:
One bit of psychobabble BS that does seem to be true is this: make positive statements out of things you really want to do. The subconscious mind ignores negations, so if you say “Stop getting upset by crap you can’t control” your subconscious hears “getting upset about crap you can control” – entirely the wrong message. A positive form of that statement (an affirmation) might be “Accept control of things you can control, let go of things outside of your control, and learn how to tell the difference.” Of course, that’s just a PC rewording of the “Serenity Prayer.” ;o)
Posted by Zen Shorts for Parents « The Mama Bee - 02/18/2009
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Posted by Kari - 10/29/2009
My only comment is that if your cell phone rings in a place that’s supposed to be quiet, you ARE rude, even if “you need to hear from your babysitter”. People always excuse their rudeness because it’s “important”. No one’s “importance” should outrule the “importance” of the mass. Life changes as a parent; don’t put yourself in a position where you can’t be reached. It was your choice to have a kid; live with it. Don’t put the load on others. And that’s just one example of millions. BE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOURSELF.
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