Also? the box idea only works if your other empties the box occasionally. Otherwise it overfills and the problem reoccurs.

There’s a theory floating around that reinforcement of the positive and ignoring the negative will work in the long run. One of the articles I read, for example, the woman fully ignored her husband when he was ranting about misplacing his keys, gave him a slightly blank stare when he kvetched at her, and thanked him when he promptly did regular household tasks. It worked. I’m going to try it. Addendum: she eventually told him her strategy and he started using it on her! I love it.

If I lived alone I’d be doing the dishes everyday, so it’s not really any more work than before.

Two people make more mess than one.

One thing that really makes this work is that all the usually unstated stuff becomes explicit. I think that the fact that we’ve made a clear arrangement makes her more appreciative, since she realizes I’m taking on the extra work. It also keeps me from resenting it and feeling like she’s just slacking off because there’s a time limit on it.

I think that being appreciated by the busy messy person makes it all much easier. It’s hard not to feel like a martyr, but it makes a world of difference if the busy person comes home and says “Thanks for cleaning – the house looks great” or whatever. It might be worth it to sit the partner down before (not during) a stressful time and say, “I’m happy to support you through this period, but it makes me feel a lot better when you recognize that I’m doing extra work.”

We respect each other’s areas. It’s understood that the the kitchen, living room, et cetera are common areas and we all (kids included) work to keep those tidy. However, my husband’s half of the desk is often cluttered, but I leave it alone. Because that’s his area, and if I move stuff around he won’t know where the bills are, or other things, and can you imagine how irritating that is? Likewise, i don’t do his laundry, and he doesn’t do mine; those are separate. I don’t clean up his nightstand area, and he doesn’t complain about the mountain of clean laundry i may or may have not sorted through that day and which rests on the big table in our bedroom.

I have found that in time, the other person will take care of their own stuff, unless they’re a horrible slob. If *I* keep my stuff tidy, that’s a subconscious signal to the other person–”hey, i need to tidy my stuff so i know where everything is.”

So basically, if you mind your own business and own clutter, the other person will probably take care of theirs.

I think this is the best suggestion out of some really good ideas. I love the mind set adjustment you lay out. Very helpful.

We do the “box” for stuff thing, and it works great. If I’m in the mood to vacuum and his clutter is on the floor, I put it in his box. Then it’s not judging or nagging, he knows I wanted to vacuum and he can put his stuff away when he wants.

I feel this treats both people like adults more than “you’re a grown up now, clean up!” conversations. You don’t *have* to live in a clean house, you choose to. Both people have that free choice.

@ns
I agree with you completely for long-term clutter issues. This post is more about the moments of chaos when maintenance slips.

For example, if my boyfriend is really stressed at work, he tends to get chaotic in the home. I don’t say anything. I just tidy it up. I know that when the stress goes away he’ll go back to keeping things organized and if I sat him down for a calm discussion when he’s stressed, my words would likely be heard by him as another stress being piled on an already bad week. Not something either of us needs.