Humor: What not to do
I’m always on the lookout for reasons to laugh, and Ali Hale recently came to my rescue over on the blog Dumb Little Man. Her article “10 Ways to Create a Work Environment That Drags You Down” was splendidly entertaining:
9. Keep it Shabby. Make sure your workplace environment looks as run-down and shabby as possible. Paint should be peeling off the walls, posters should be torn, and noticeboards should never be cleared. Don’t ever replace the carpet. And any pot-plants should be left unwatered for weeks – there’s nothing like dying plants to give your workplace a real air of gloom and decay.
Well played, Ali.
If you were to add to the list, what items would you put on it? I would add a frustrating parking situation to the mix. Having to fight for parking in a lot blocks away from your office building is truly a great way to begin your day.
Photo credit: hoyasmeg
28 comments posted
Posted by Another Deb - 11/10/2008
And don’t forget to hang out with the most toxic, negative co-workers for daily gripe sessions.
Posted by Dee - 11/10/2008
Let’s see… You could have complete disrespect for everyone’s schedule and batter them with constant interruptions or new “performance improvement projects”. Or fail to get computer hardware repaired in a timely way, so that 19 people are reduced to 2 working computers. Or just keep on ignoring the dead squirrel tht found its final resting place in the foyer roof. Or, you could constantly rearrange what crappy furniture you have, so that eveyone can look forward to a new environment. Of course, having a non-working lock on the front door could add to the sense of excitement–especially for those people to need to stop in on after hours. Of course, best of all would be to find cost-saving measures, such as eliminating birthday or holiday recognitions. Those pesky 10 seconds spent to say, “Happy Whatever” could be critical!
Gosh, I think I worked at this place.
Posted by Gumnos - 11/10/2008
Carpets that have seen enough water damage to fill the office with that fragrent eau-de-mold.
Cracks in the infrastructure that let in drafty chills in the winter; particularly effective when combined with poor electrical distribution systems and portable heaters — one too many people trying to stay warm and it takes down the entire breaker-section.
Generations of lunches growing sentient in the break-room fridge.
Not bothering to replace fluorescent bulbs, leaving them to flicker and eventually go black.
Being too cheap to stock basic kitchenette items like paper towels, cups and platicware.
Being too cheap to keep the cleaning service, making all 50+ employees responsible for vacuuming & dusting their workspace, as well as taking their trash out to the dumpster nigthly. Eliminating facilities workers helps keep a certain “ambiance” in the restrooms too.
Having a workspace next to that person who [snorts continuously, refusing to use a tissue; has fragrence issues; chews tobacco and spits at their desk; clips their fingernails at work; spends all day on speakerphone calls to friends, family, or medical professionals]
That’s some of they workplace cheer I can share from my past jobs…
-gumnos
Posted by Sarah - 11/10/2008
In a particularly tough moment on my first day at my current job, I went to the bathroom for a breather.
I laughed out loud when I saw the “No Diving” sticker someone left on the toilet.
Posted by Imrcly - 11/10/2008
wow except for the pictures and stuff on the desk this could be my work environment, I wish they would let me just work from home, I have little or no control over a shared desk.
Posted by Fit Bottomed Girls - 11/10/2008
Wow. That is pretty hilarious. You could throw in a couple broken toilets or two…or maybe a broken water cooler.
Posted by gypsy packer - 11/10/2008
Make sure to throw a temper tantrum each and every day. This will teach employees respect. And leave the dust where it is. You’re a professional, not a maid. Dust mites need ethical treatment, too.
Fashion contests are a corporate statement. So what if your kids are living on bologna and their dad supports football parleys, lotteries, and beer company adults only? You are your wardrobe.
Cigarette butts around the front door are biodegradable–throw them down and leave them there. They’ll compost.
Posted by Nick - 11/10/2008
Curse you, Erin; I was drinking my morning coffee when I read this! Now my desk is REALLY cluttered and depressing!
Posted by elf - 11/10/2008
Make sure to never vacuum or empty trash so that you have a rodent family move in… By rodent, I mean rat.
My current job, thank you very much.
Posted by dr00 - 11/10/2008
save money and dont use trash bins, just throw on the floor.
You will notice a nice wad of extra petty cash, plus, you will never have to worry about disease!
If you need a sick day, and cant stand lying, you can just go to work barefoot!
Posted by Macy - 11/10/2008
How about a water supply that is constantly cutting off so the bathrooms and sprinkler systems are an iffy thing?
Filthy windows.
Frequent cuts in the power, especially in summer.
Mouse population.
Constant employee turnover and ever-present empty desks and new faces.
Posted by jeff parnes - 11/10/2008
On a site that just championed cutting down on packaging waste, we have a comment about parking “blocks away from your office building?” Why not take public transportation where it’s available, and enjoy the walk to your office which might be blocks away from the transit stop (whether bus, rail, etc)? We have way more control over our commute than how items are delivered, and I imagine, that decision would have a more immediate impact. So no sympathy here about parking conditions (and did you have to pay for the parking – or was it free encouraging more folks to drive?).
Posted by CoffeeKim - 11/10/2008
Don’t forget to leave a few creatively placed moldy coffee mugs around for that fresh botanical touch once the potted stuff is brown and crunchy.
Posted by John of Indiana - 11/10/2008
Make sure your office is underground or so far in the interior of your building that the only windows you ever see is the one sold by The Gates…
The last time I had a workplace with a window that looked outside was 1985.
Posted by delphine - 11/10/2008
Jeff – There are many places in the US, actually the majority of it I would say, where public transportation is nonexistent, inefficient or unpredictable. Driving is a reality for many people.
Posted by Lisa - 11/10/2008
To add to the ambiance:
constantly ringing, never answered, phones
a printer which squeaks
the constant squeal of a fax machine
elevators which lurch and shudder
scuttling roaches
bathroom stall doors which can’t be locked, and don’t stay shut unless held
keyboards and phones with sticking keys
Posted by Bex! - 11/10/2008
I’m with you about the parking, Jeff!
I use a mix of methods (mass transit, bike, carpool) to get to work. When I drive in with my s.o. we always aprk in the same curb side spot, about 2-3 blocks form the door we enter the building by. It never occured to me to complain that the distance was too far to walk. Even on a rainy, blustry day like this morning! I have colleagues who rant about it, though. Ah, entitlement.
Posted by nehmah - 11/10/2008
Sorry, (am not!) to Jeff Parnes. No one in their right mind would take public transportation and walk more than two blocks unless fully-armed or escorted by bodyguards. I have worked in large cities for many years and you could not pay me to walk to work if I had to run the gauntlet to and from my job. Life is too short to run the risk. And do not tell me I am over-stating the case. I’m 5’4″ and need a cane to walk anywhere. Nehmah
Posted by Katie - 11/10/2008
Why limit yourself to cluttering people’s environments? Clutter their time with meetings. Bonus points if the break between morning and afternoon meetings is too short for people to actually get lunch.
Posted by Lisa - 11/10/2008
Stuff everything into file drawers. Piled up, not in order. Especially the confidential files that someone asked you to deal with right away, just stuff them in and forget about it. Put personal stuff and snacks on top of it just to keep the drawer “useful”.
Posted by LC - 11/10/2008
Oh, and don’t forget to tell your boss every time you think your day has been unfair. Monopolize lots of his/her time doing it, and make sure you whine when you do it.
Posted by Erin at Unclutterer - 11/10/2008
@jeff parnes … All Unclutterer employees work from home, so no commuting for us
Posted by Tabatha - 11/11/2008
how about an annoying door bell that rings so loud everyone in the building can hear it, and usually no one but you answers it.
supervisors that don’t really care if you have gotten your break or not or have to get up several times to work during your break.
so much overtime that its impossible to have a life outside of work that doesn’t involve sleeping, eating, cleaning in your space time.
co-workers that throw a fit if you do anything that messes with their “routines” or sense of “power” when they don’t actually have any authority over you what so ever.
having you boss get all over you anytime you call late/sick about anything, anytime even if you have never called in before or its justified and you are given personal time for it.
Posted by Kris - 11/11/2008
Oooh, ooh, I have some!
Make sure that employees have no place to go to eat lunch or have impromptu meetings. Anything that encourages people to leave their desks is bad.
Never underestimate what small annoyances (a squeak in the ventilation system, an unreliable email server, power flickers and brownouts) can do to add to your work ambiance!
Posted by Lynn - 11/11/2008
oooh ooh! I have one!
Be sure to make really wretched coffee that nobody wants to drink and then always leave the pot on the burner all day so that burnt coffee stench permeates the whole building. Oh yeah.
Posted by Rob - 11/11/2009
I have one extra, and this one is a real thing at the office.
Have your boss or co-workers to set up their blackberry/smartphone to notify everyone (with sound) when a new e-mail is received…
*ping-ping* all day, nice!
Posted by chacha1 - 11/11/2009
This is all so sad. I wish all of you in these horrible situations a successful search for a better, new workplace!
The toilet marked “No Diving:” LOL, indeed.
Posted by Melanie - 11/11/2009
How about putting your lives in danger daily, living in a war zone away from your family? Happy Veteran’s Day- thanks to all who serve so we can whine about the trivial.
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