Comments on: What to do if you are organized and your partner isn’t

By: kazza

kazza — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 15:40:05 +0000

Kristina said – 06/30/2008 “On any given weekend I can spend two 12-18 hour days cleaning and never get to the bottom of it. … I love my kids and my man, but I’ve taken up hiding in my bedroom, because I can’t face it! Surely…there must be a miracle out there…”

Step 1 – assign small cleaning jobs to your kids and, assuming they’re the age to get an allowance, their allowance is dependent on them doing the cleaning jobs.

Step 2 – each 5 kids items left in the living room etc after they’ve been told to put it away equals $1 less allowance which they can only get back after one week of being careful of their stuff AND doing all the small cleaning chores you’ve set them.

They’ll start helping soon enough

By: Jackie Pettus

Jackie Pettus — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 03:42:09 +0000

My guess is that the messy one is also lax about household chores. Instead of nagging,
sit down over a cup of coffee with them and create a family chore chart and household chore calendar. Print and tack them onto the household bulletin board where they can’t help but see them. Let the bulletin board do the nagging. (Well, OK, you can remind them to look at the bulletin board if necessary!). You’ll find a family chore chart and a household chore calendar online at Habitudes.info. They are stored online. If they “mysteriously” disappear, you can just print them again!

By: Organize IT Recap: 80/20 Rule And Dieting, Positive Thinking - Practical advice on personal development, productivity and GTD

Sun, 03 May 2009 09:53:53 +0000

[...] will be publishing a new Clutter 101 post in the near future on that very topic. In the meantime Unclutterer has some very good advice to keep you [...]

By: Kim

Kim — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 00:27:37 +0000

@Kristina – someone else has already mentioned http://www.flylady.net – honestly, check it out. She has a wonderful system for doing a little bit at a time, and lots of ways to try getting others to help. I’m currently 7 months pregnant and still working full time (and pooped when I get home), so I can’t keep things the way I’d like – but using Flylady’s system helps me get the important things done, and her principle of “only do what you can” keeps me from overdoing things.

By: Robert Dyson

Robert Dyson — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 19:09:43 +0000

Fantastic post, thanks very much. Comments are great too.

By: Frank

Frank — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 10:59:05 +0000

I actually feel very uncomfortable in an area that is too clean, too tidy. It drives me nuts. I _want_ items to be out of place, I want the magazines to not line up with the side of the table, I want some general noise about me. Sure, on my own I am an absolute slob, and it could stand improvement. But the problem I tend to have with a lot of neat freaks is that they just seem to assume that their way is the right way. It might be right for you, but it might not be for me. You want to compromise, remember that it is that, a compromise. Not just for you, but also for me.

By: Grace

Grace — Sat, 02 Aug 2008 18:52:38 +0000

I have been married 20yrs and I find it tiring tidy up after my husband and now my two teenage boys who copy what he does, leave clothes around don’t move plates, leave out everything they use. I am so tiried, of the negative energy living like this brings. I want to leave and find a little place that can be kept the way I want for once. I like the idea of living in a house next door!

Yes, for years I have happily tidied up after all. But I long to have it my way, I feel my family do not respect my desires nor care. When I am away they live happily in a hovel and I am not prepared to live like that. I believe I will eventually leave purely for this reason

By: Desi

Desi — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 20:30:27 +0000

When my fiance moved into my house we had a long talk before hand about cleanliness and organizing (he’s the messier one). We worked our way through both of our belongings together to make sure there would be room for all his things when he did move in. Unpacking was the same way- doing it together so he knew where things went and I wouldnt be crazy helping him find his stuff later. When it comes to cleaning it’s the same way- both of us cleaning the kitchen, hanging the laundry, etc as it needs to be done. I’ve learned to be a little looser with things, and he’s much more tidy. That being said, I’ve completely given up on his picking up his socks. I tried putting a small laundry basket in the living room (similar to the one next to the washer for the kitchen towels), not washing if they arent put away, hiding them so he can’t leave them in the couch. Now I just put them in the hamper and deal with it. Reading some of the posts about shoes being left in the living room and creating resentment in a relationship… I just dont understand it. When you love someone, it is wholly smelly socks in the couch and all.

By: Erin Doland

Erin Doland — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 19:34:13 +0000

@eden — As was stated in the article and then clarified again in the comments, #4 is only an option if the person feels no animosity toward cleaning up after the other person. If you feel animosity, then don’t do it. Some people actually LIKE to clean. I am not one of these people, but I have been told by my psychiatrist friend that they exist. It isn’t insulting that someone likes to clean up after others, it’s just his or her preference.

By: eden

eden — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 19:24:03 +0000

Number 4 is insulting. Plus it is self defeating b/c in all likihood the messy person will only get worse.

Like many other people have said, it is a partnership – for *all* relationships. You have to sit down, talk about it, and arrive at a documented compromise. If the other people/person isn’t willing to compromise it is not a healthy relationship. If either party isn’t willing to compromise it really does mean ‘I don’t care enough about you to even try to change to make you happier.’

My number one parenting tips is to never, never, ever clean up after and do chores for your kids. My husband’s parents never made him actually clean up after himself. Now, he has no idea how to even start cleaning a room. Our chore list is detailed enough to list all of the surfaces that need to be dusted.

By: laura

laura — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 20:06:39 +0000

I have this problem. I am the clean one. Well, I let things go occasionally, and then I clean. But I always have a system of organization. I don’t mind doing the CLEANING, but my partner and I just moved into a new home and while my stuff has a place, his does not. We’ve actually had conversations about it. Not fights, we communicate very well. He just doesn’t believe in my mentality of a place for everything and everything in it’s place. He truly doesn’t agree with that statement! What can I do?

@Kristina: In all seriousness, maybe you should write to Oprah.

By: e y

e y — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 01:08:29 +0000

to kristina,

to all the mothers in the world who untiringly and unceasingly pick up after us messy kids, i salute you!

someday your husband and children will realise that it’s driving you up the wall and maybe change their habits a little!

By: Kristina

Kristina — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 17:26:36 +0000

I have tried all of the above…13 (really 15 years later), I haven’t reconciled and I can only divert my anger and distress for so long. My problem is that living with five other family members who leave most of it up to me causes a situation in which I can never catch up. I love to have company and entertain, but I am ashamed to even let neighbors in the door because of the smell and the danger of tripping. Bills and taxes are a nightmare…lost mail…constant ugly surprises-I can’t even track it all, let alone keep up with my paying work because of the constant chaos. We can’t afford cleners-and when we unwisely splurge, they generally quit or don’t call back, because it is the most disgusting frustrating job in the world to try to clean up after us. On any given weekend I can spend two 12-18 hour days cleaning and never get to the bottom of it. I am not a neat freak or perfectionist-I am overwhelmed. I don’t know where to find or afford the right kind of professional help. Help! I love my kids and my man, but I’ve taken up hiding in my bedroom, because I can’t face it! Surely…there must be a miracle out there…

By: Karen

Karen — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 00:40:27 +0000

Article was interesting, but didn’t address my main problem.

My husband and I have been married 19 years and we are mismatched. It’s like once he sets something down, it disappears for him. He honestly no longer sees it. Once, he used a tool of mine on a business trip, didn’t return it, and when I asked about it, he swore that it didn’t exist. I found it two years later in a box in the basement with a bunch of leftover parts from the job. He’s hopeless. Nothing I do will change him, no system will make him better, and my ability to pick up after him (without wanting to kill him) is limited.

So, here’s my question, how do I let go of my anger and resentment, accept him as he is and live with him?

By: Erin Doland

Erin Doland — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 01:57:38 +0000

Oh, and the Zen Shorts link is fixed. Sorry about that.

By: Erin Doland

Erin Doland — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 01:51:44 +0000

To respond to everyone who has issue with #4 …

If you harbor resentment about cleaning up after your house partner, then don’t clean up after her. Only go for option #4 if you’re 100 percent okay with it. Some people actually enjoy cleaning (honest), so this is the option for those people.

By: Jennifer, Snapshot

Jennifer, Snapshot — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 19:51:51 +0000

I’m the one with the higher clutter tolerance. After being married 15 years, my husband and I deal with it pretty well. I know when the level is reaching his breaking point, and my strategy is to play offense.

I will call him or email him at work and say, “I know that the house hasn’t been picked up in a while. I’ve been busy. I plan to straighten up soon.”

That way he knows that I’ve noticed and plan to rectify it.

He doesn’t expect me to do everything, but I usually make the mess, so I should clean it up

By: jocelyn

jocelyn — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 16:08:20 +0000

While I agree that it’s not healthy to be a doormat for a messier partner, I don’t think that’s what the post is talking about here. I think they are referring to matches where cleanliness differences stem from personality differences and differences in family culture (expectations of what a home feels and looks life). If my husband were to leave his clothes and dishes around, I wouldn’t clean that up after him because I am not his maid. But his system of organizing IS different than mine (he can keep track of a lot more things and in a much more ad hoc way than I ever could) and it happens to be one that looks less picture-ready than mine does. I don’t organize his stuff for him or expect him to conform to what I like anymore than he could demand I stop using a file cabinet. The house should look like we both live there. We should both feel at home there. It’s not as if it’s my house and he’s just a guest.

It’s like that great quiz they had on here about how to organize office space: he’s completely auditory and I’m entirely visual. No reason for either of us to change for the other.

By: Tina

Tina — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 14:45:49 +0000

Not to sound cheesy, but it’s about being a team and working together. If something bothers you, it’s definitely worth talking about and trying to find a solution that is a compromise.

My boyfriend and I are working on fitting all of his stuff (and my smaller amount of stuff) into a new apartment. It’s been a challenge but we talk about it a lot, which helps. The hardest part is prioritizing all of the projects that we have going on. IMO, the “us” projects should come before our personal projects.

Thanks for the post!

By: Laura

Laura — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 13:50:14 +0000

I’m very offended by #4. For generations, our society had just such a system in place — women cleaned up after men! In the modern world, in partnerships of equality, both people have to take responsibility for making a household work.