My SIL and BIL are frustrated and exhausted by the fact that both sets of parents ignore their reasonable requests (like “no foosball table — we don’t have room”) and overwhelm the kids with stuff. The kids certainly aren’t grateful and the grandparents respond to the whining “is this all?” with bigger piles next time!

It’s nice that grandparents love their grandchildren, but why can’t they love their kids too — and give their kids the gift of less stress around the holiday?

I also don’t truck with the “someday, you’ll wish they were around” argument. The threat of someone dropping dead in the future should never give them a right to run over your parenting in the present.

I do remember Christmas as involving lots and lots of presents, but not the presents themselves. So I don’t mind if my parents or in-laws go crazy buying crap for my kids, because part of the holiday is the anticipation of opening all those beautifully wrapped packages (which are themselves decorations) (and “beautifully wrapped” includes boxes wrapped in the Sunday comics). It helps that all the grandparents like each other, so there’s not any competition or anything like that.

Also, just as clutter can control your life, controlling that clutter can in itself go from good to overboard. Pick your battles.

As far as the kid clutter goes, I have 2 kids, ages 13 & 10, so I’ve been at this for awhile. Your situation is a great opportunity to teach your daughter organizational and decluttering skills as she gets older. There’s nothing wrong with saying, a few days after another new toy comes in, “What generous grandparents you have. What are we going to give away to make room for this new toy?” If you start early, the level of stuff will stay under control. If the grandparents ask where a certain item is that you have gotten rid of, apologetically explain your limited space and the “one-in/one-out” rule.

Both my kids are getting better and better at purging and organizing their own belongings as they grow up, because I have taken the time to teach them how.

The other side of this is that your daughter is learning how to treat YOU by watching how you treat your own parents. You are her role model, so be sure to treat your parents with respect, if that’s what you want later. People are more important than things, even if the issue is actually “too many things”.

Everyone else – Another reason to limit gifts from grandparents is to allow plenty of space for gifts from another set of grandparents, godparents and other relatives.

As a parent who started off trying to control every little thing my parents and in-laws were doing, I’ve come to realise that part of my job is to help my kids apply our values to other people’s behaviour, because frankly, there’s not much you can do if they (the grandparents, not the kids) willfully ignore you!

I appreciate the different voices speaking the truth about many different circumstances, particularly those who don’t have loving grandparents (or grandparents at all) in the lives of their children. I sympathize with the grandparents whose feelings are bruised by the sentiment of this post.

I just spoke with my son about the way he treats his things; he has so many toys, and he is given more so often (my parents are in town this weekend and, yes, brought him ANOTHER Matchbox car), that he has very little regard for how he treats his toys. He throws them, kicks and stomps on them, leaves them in the yard in the rain… he simply doesn’t take care of them.

Folks, this isn’t because he sees this modeled in my wife and me, and it isn’t because we haven’t worked HARD to teach him better stewardship of his toys. It’s because he has had the overabundant, disposable everything mindset drilled into him by grandparents and aunts who have difficulty exercising any discipline or self-control whatsoever.

Another problem: as soon as my parents arrived, my kids asked them, “do you have any presents for us?” My kids have learned a good lesson: the value of their grandparents is what stuff we get from them. Frankly, I’m ashamed of this; when MY grandparents came to visit, I was simply delighted that they were here to see me! I got to spend a few days with my beloved grandmother. My kids’ sense of anticipation about their grandparents is not focused on the relationships they have, but the things the will get.

Here are the lessons my kids are learning from my parents (and my wife’s mom): materialism; poor stewardship; “anything I want I can get;” relationships are based on things, not on people; “my lust for more things and increased clutter is perfectly justified;” “it’s totally okay to ignore and disrespect my parents’ wishes and requests.”

This isn’t love; love would actually do the opposite of all of these. If grandparents want to “shower their grandchildren with love” then spend time with them, take into consideration the parents’ wishes and cooperate with them, be thoughtful about the things you buy (considering space, what they already have, etc.).

I’m sorry: you DON’T get a pass to act irresponsibly, disrespectfully, or selfishly just because your children now have kids of their own.

My mother has adopted the Ann Landers philosophy that you shared in lui of getting into a gift giving war with the other grandmother and its served us well so far. If anyone has issues with conflicting viewpoints on grandparents gift giving – printing out your post and passing it on may just break the ice and make for some honest introspection from both parties – lifes too short to be battling over something that should be pleasurable – well done!

Non-toys (like spoons, boxes, blankets, and tupperware) also are wonderful. My son’s imagination can run wild, and I don’t have to worry about finding a place for a random toy.

I don’t think that anyone here wants to deny grandparents the pleasure of giving fun gifts to our children or deny our children the pleasure of receiving something special (that may even spoil them) from their grandparents. I do think that we should be able to share with grandparents our philosophy on the way we would like for our children to be raised and the values we wish to instill in them, whether it is in not expecting grandparents to constantly be bringing extravagant gifts or in lessening the amount of plastic we continue to consume (if we buy it, someone will continue to produce it). I believe that it does take a village to raise a child, and hope that everyone in our respective villages can work together so that everyone will feel good about the gift giving philosophy and that it will be a win situation for grandparents, parents, and children.

I agree with Dee that there can be power struggles among grandparents, especially if both sets are nearby, to outshine the other side in the number and complexity of gifts they give. I also think that children can come to expect a gift every time they see grandparents if that is the pattern that has been started.

My grandparents had to live very frugally and were only able to give me, the only grandchild, a gift at birthdays and Christmas. I remember the gifts of my grandparents first dining room table and 2 vases that had belonged to my grandfather’s mother that my grandmother gave me the Christmas before we were married. Beyond that, I can’t remember anything. But I do remember shopping with her in the little general store downtown, going with her to get the mail from the post office and learning to open the combination lock, learning to play chechers, dot, and tic tac toe, and learning to embroider and trying to learn to crochet. I remember that grandpa took me fishing until his health prevented it. I remember helping in their garden and learning to peel potatoes, snap peas, and cut grean beans. I remember that they stayed with me after I had my tonsils out and my parents had to work. I looked to them for companionship, not for tangible gifts.

I remember a letter in Ann Landers or Dear Abby many years ago from a grandmother who felt badly that she didn’t have the means to take her granddaughter shopping and buy expensive presents like the other grandmother did. AL or DA told her to tell her granddaughter that her other grandmother was the shopping grandmother and that she was the cookie baking grandmother. It’s nice to have both.

Obviously, there is a balance. I try to be gracious, but happily, my family took the hint quickly when I put the word out that we just had too much stuff and I hoped people would scale back a bit. My sister has given my kids some of the greatest gifts ever, but she doesn’t do it in volume any more. The kids enjoy the presents much, much more. And my kids are a little older (5 and 6), so they also have come to understand my environmental views. And I don’t hold a VERY hard line.

I did apply the same rules to myself; I try myself not to buy too much stuff, not to impulse buy, not to demonstrate consumerism to my kids, but yes – they are watching and they are learning, and I want them to learn that you don’t need a lot of stuff to be happy. Because if they need a lot of stuff to be happy, then they will need a lot of money, and they may have to have a job that they hate as much as I hate mine these days.

You can’t take these things too far, because there are always many lessons to learn, even in a situation like this – graciousness to relatives, self-control, respect for the environment, enjoyment of surprises, tolerance for differing views, standing up for reasonable requests – but there are strong moral and ethical reasons to NOT want family members to give your children too many toys, and as much as you should respect your family’s generosity, they should respect your principles as well. Somehow, you should be able to meet in the middle with affection and respect for each other.

“If you get a gift, be gracious and say thank you. Whether you then decide to use or give it away later is up to you. But don’t be surprised that by being such a jerk you stop getting gifts altogether.”

Amen! And be the gracious example to the little eyes that are watching you and learning!