Comments on: Dealing with teenager’s clutter

By: lulu

lulu — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 01:26:25 +0000

the school that my son attends invites various speakers and one was a prominent child psychologist. Near the top of his list for parenting tips was ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’. A messy bedroom could easily become a source of conflict but there are much more important and profound matters between parent and child that will arise that will be a source of conflict….so i’ve followed that way of thinking. ( my child also does his own laundry since he was 14) my sister was very strict with her son about tidiness which he obediently followed. Now that he is an adult, he is not ‘tidy’ at all.

By: Ashley

Ashley — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 18:50:35 +0000

I was a half and half teen. My dad was the clean freak and DEMANDED my room be clean. I hated it so much that when I moved into my own place I just said F*** it and lived how I wanted. Now, that “living how I wanted” has gotten old and that is why I read this blog and Erin’s book. The clutter is driving me crazy. I feel like I live with a teenager though, my boyfriend. His mom always did his laundry and picked up his things and never really held him accountable for any cleaning, so he doesn’t do anything around the house unless I make him.. I feel like I am my dad now. :/ So I am slowing “training” him to pick up his own things and put dishes in the dishwasher instead of leaving them in the sink. It’s a struggle. And I am still thoroughly a packrat. :[

By: Aron Clark

Aron Clark — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 00:39:34 +0000

I am actually a clutter-free teen myself! Unfortunately, I share a room with my brother who is ten years old (and the complete opposite to me). He doesn’t care at all and leaves his crap wherever he likes, and no matter how much I ask him to clean up even a little bit, he just continues to mock me. He also steals, moves, ‘borrows’, breaks and destroys my stuff whenever he pleases.

But me? Oh, I try to be clutter-free and clean. ‘Hey.. lets be stereotypical about teenagers!’ Erm, no..

By: Andrea

Andrea — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 03:28:22 +0000

As a person just coming out of teenage-hood, I have a couple pieces of advice for the people who are just starting having their children.

1)Oppositional-Defiance… this is a psychological term which basically means, if you tell me to do it, even if I was about to do it myself, I won’t. I am finally getting over this urge in my twenties, but it was bad in highschool. My mom would tell me to clean my room and my gut reaction would be to go make it worse. Don’t know why, completely illogical, but there you go. Work with your kids if they seem to have that impulse otherwise you’ll be running into a brick wall and they will be building it stronger and higher.

2) make a distinction between dirty versus cluttered. If you want them to de-clutter the room make sure than they have enough places to put their stuff. My clothes were strewn about the room because a) i hate folding shirts and b) not enough space. now I use hangers for all of my shirts and they hang neatly in the closet. Just because an organization system works for you doesn’t mean that it will work for your kids. If it is dirty chances are they hate their room just as much as you do, but are overwhelmed by it.

hope this helps…

By: Christine

Christine — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 20:56:48 +0000

My parents had an eminently reasonable solution to my messy room. I had plenty of storage space, even for all my numerous books, but I had and have (at 26) a decided tendency to just pile everything onto flat surfaces. After I complained one too many times about how I couldn’t find something, my mom would scrounge a large box or three, accompany me up to my room, and start clearing surfaces off. Everything that wasn’t in its place (clothes outside the closet and laundry hamper, anything on my desk that wasn’t current schoolwork or my pencil cup, books outside the bookcases, etc.) went into the box(es). I had one week to get everything put away; after that it went to Goodwill or the trash. If stuff had gathered on the flat surfaces again, rinse and repeat. It worked, and it’s still one of the cleanup methods that I use.

I’ve currently got a box full of papers and random crap sitting next to my desk, and I’m using the weekend to get them organized and filed. My parents were really respectful of my space, but there’s no reason to listen to somebody complaining about something that’s easily fixed.

By: Karen

Karen — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 19:58:49 +0000

Spark, my mother used similar techniques with us — I grew up in a family with four kids and we were all teenagers at the same time for a few years. I never felt disrespected by her coming in and cleaning our rooms. It’s like I tell my kids, this is OUR home, but Dad and I pay the mortgage and I expect you to take care of the things that we work hard for. I’m not a neat freak, but I do expect my kids to take care of their things. I also agree that setting up a good organization system is crucial, and not accumulating a lot of stuff makes the job much easier. We all have more than we “need” anyway.

By: Barb

Barb — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 17:55:18 +0000

I have two daughters, 13 and 16. The 13-year-old is naturally tidy. The 16-year-old is not. As a parent, I feel it IS my house, and I have the right to hold them to certain standards with logical consequences when they fail.

Things like cell phone texting, IMing on the computer, and television are perks that can be taken away, not birth rights. Frankly, learning to manage their stuff is a life skill I want them to learn.

I suppose shutting the door is an option, but it tends to make small homes feel even smaller, especially in the winter with so little daylight.

By: jgodsey

jgodsey — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 05:56:22 +0000

can i make a comment, though i have no children…but WAS indeed a messy teen? SPACE. why do you think they moved greg into the attic? Teens need more space than pre-teens, they simply have more STUFF. more clothes cause they are buying it themselves, more books, more electronics, they are inclined to want to do less things communally with the family. Basically I lived in my room from 14 to 22. once i had to fit ALL my burgeoning belongings into my room, it got unmanageable. As soon as i moved into my own 3 room apartment, it got immediately easier to stay organized.

By: Sangrail

Sangrail — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 13:15:52 +0000

Make sure there’s all the standard containers to make it easier to be tidy – somewhere to dump their bag, to empty things out and scoop them back in again, and a hamper for not-quite-dirty clothes. And if they had these as a kid, try and update them to ones a 20-something year old would be happy to have (if you’re smart – a hip thrift store shopping type 20-something).

Why? Encourage a sense of *style*.

If they want to have a stylish space, if they can have friends round, then they’ll want it to look at least good enough for their friends.
For all the heartache of teenage romance, an (optimally – for cleaning I mean) unrequited love-interest visiting the house is one of the best incentives for someone to frantically tidy their room.
Heh.

The more visitors, the higher the impulse to – just put these clothes away, close those drawers, put those posters up…

Ok, the style may not be what you’re *into* – so you will have to weigh up with yourself whether you really do want an ornate goth/hippy/emo sanctuary in your house, or a standard boring messy teenage room. Some people may prefer the latter.

Of course, if that’s the case, that whole scheme has problems way earlier – the independence of having people round, etc etc only really works with a family with healthy communication structures, and an ability to move back the boundaries gradually as the teen gets older. For some, it just won’t work.

By: Tina

Tina — Sat, 22 Dec 2007 20:09:43 +0000

I’m seventeen now, but a few years ago a friend told me something which actually convinced me to keep my room messy at all times: Your mom is way more likely to come into your room when it’s clean.

I didn’t have anything to hide, I’m just very protective of my own space, so that was enough. However, about a month ago, completely of my own accord, I cleaned and organized EVERYTHING, so now everything has a place, and I put it back. And yes, my mother comes in sometimes still, but I’m becoming less bothered by it. The organization and peace are worth it.

By: Catarina

Catarina — Sat, 22 Dec 2007 20:06:58 +0000

Unless you are the parent of a teen, this is a hard concept to understand. When my children were little, I had many idealistic scenarios of how they would nicely help and I would not be coercive. Yes, they all helped nicely when they were small, I limited the amount of trash coming into my home which made it far easier to keep things neat. Now I am the parent of teens. One of my dc is instinctively neat and organized. The others are not. At all. It does not matter that they have the correct organizational tools in their rooms. One teen thinks that dressers were meant to be catchalls for everything but clothes. Hangers hang empty in the closet while clean clothes pile up on a chair, the floor ( mixed up with the dirty ones) the bed. Yes, the threat of ” if you don’t clean it out, I will” resounds through my home. Also, ” if you want to go out with your friends, you will clean up that room first” works like a charm. It’s not a matter of anything other than laziness. If you put away things you use, there would not be a horrible mess. The last clean-up yielded a very large box of schoolwork from semesters past and the comment ” I don’t know why I was saving those.” Do the Myers-Briggs personality tests. They are telling – either you are an organized type or you are not. One of my dc is, the others simply are not and the level of messiness bothers me far faster than it does them. This said, it is our home and I will always demand certain standards of cleanliness. When they are on their own, they will decide how they want to live.

By: Chloroform

Chloroform — Fri, 21 Dec 2007 21:04:55 +0000

I was an exceptionally cluttered child, and by the time I was a teenager, my mother had given up trying to get me to clean up my room- she got tired of banging her head against that particular brick wall. In order to be left alone, however, I had to meet three conditions: no plates, bowls, cups, or silverware in the bedroom, no mold, and I had to earn straight A’s in school. I was happy to oblige for the sake of being left alone about something that, frankly, was not a priority for me (and still isn’t).

The uncluttered mentality can’t be taught. It’s a result and a function of experience and maturity.

By: Mags

Mags — Fri, 21 Dec 2007 13:38:57 +0000

I’m with the “once you turn 13, your room is your responsibility”. At 18, or 19 or 21 your kid will be leaving home. By then they should have the basic skills to look after their living space. By controlling the room yourself, you’re not equipping them for life as a responsible adult. Yes, it’ll be messy. Yes, they’ll have a period of “I can throw stuff everywhere!”. But they’ll reach the “actually, I need a system here” point. Or move out taking the mess with them!

I got a clothing allowance to spend per month so could only buy what I could afford. If I wanted a new coat, I had to save. So the mountains of clothes never happened. I had to do my own laundry (taken to a launderette too, not just dropped in a laundry basket). I had to manage my room, but was also allowed to decorate it exactly as I wished beyond the door.

My mother used the stairs tactic with stuff scattered in the common rooms (the thing of stacking stuff on stairs ready to be taken up). I was lucky that we had a study room upstairs which I used as my school study, but because it was a common room, I had to have all my work shut away in my desk at the end of the night.

By: ceegee

ceegee — Fri, 21 Dec 2007 12:53:18 +0000

I was a messy teenager, and it would take me hours to clean my room because I’d stop to read every magazine, book or scrap of paper I was supposed to be putting awaY.
Finally my dad got angry and took my door off the hinges and explained that my room could continue to be a disaster zone, but that it would remain door-less until I got it straightened up. From the front door one could see my messy bedroom which I saw was shameful, and the lack of privacy made me get my act together pretty quickly. After that if it started to get messy again, my parents would only need to threaten to take the door off, and I’d be cleaning it up in a flash.

By: Charlotte

Charlotte — Fri, 21 Dec 2007 12:43:56 +0000

Can’t say about the teen years because mine are 7 and 4. But I ask them to clean up their mess before they go to bed. Anything they no longer want, doesn’t have to be picked up. I will do that. Therefore, anything they forgot, refuse to clean up gets thrown out, recycled or give away. Gone. Do it a couple times and they’ll know you mean business. Hope this will still work when they are teenagers.

Also, just don’t buy that many stuff for them, you’ll have less clutter. I buy one toy of their choosing for them once every year, on their birthday. And yet, they still have more toys than I can think of. When they have less, they’ll take better care of what they have. Yeah, poor kids, I know.